Lost in the Woods

 I forgot I even had this blog. I was going to do this cool thing where I kept track of my fitness journey and talked about the trials and successes of running each day. Life is hard and keeping your body fit and healthy is but one of those difficult tasks most of us struggle with in some way. I also think that running is a metaphor for about everything in life. Top it all off with today's social media driven culture where we only see the highpoints of our friend's and family's life through the social media façade filter. It's hard to see everyone we love and care about thriving on social media but our own life feels like one big failure after another. The truth is that we all know that other people struggle, but outside of our most intimate relationships we rarely see the struggles of others. When we do, a lot of times its that exceptional story about the individual that overcome insane obstacles and rose to the very top in spectacular fashion and now has a viral story that everyone on the planet has seen and is talking about.  That is why I wanted to write this blog. A normal guy, that runs, and has a real life. But I posted twice and then life happened, I got busy, this wasn't important, and it never got done.  

Do you know what the difference is between the average person and the most spectacular successes in the world? Well, lots of things to be honest. Almost all of it has to do with drive. But for starters, they started. I know so many talented people that have amazing skills and abilities. But they don't believe in themselves or their abilities or their dreams. So they talk about their dreams and what they would like to do someday but they never actually start down the road to success. Or, if they do start, they get about two blog posts in and then quit. The spectacular successes, start and then never quit no matter what. Life is not often very pretty. The things that do seem pretty and sparkly came about because someone slaved through the muck to make it that way. Beautiful stories have ugly histories attached to them. But they always have a starting point. So, the thesis of this particular paragraph is just get out and get started on what ever it is that you have been putting off forever.   

I just turned 47 years old last week. I had triple bypass surgery at 41. That changed my whole life. But not as much as it should have. First, I got medically retired from the Army at 100% disability. Because my arteries were trying to stop pumping blood my doctor told me I needed regular, vigorous exercise and an healthy diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol. As part of that new life, I was going to return to this blog and write an amazing story about a heart patient, that made a huge comeback after surgery, and got back into marathon running, and then ultramarathons. I was going to serve as an inspiration for thousands of people who have heart problems and encourage them to never give up and to follow their dreams. The only problem with that amazing vision is that I never got over the fear of running with a heart condition. Every time my chest tweaked in any manner at at all, I assumed I was having a heart attack, or my heart was going to give out, or that there was another blocked artery. By the time I got over the worst of that and was convinced I wasn't going to drop dead at any second I had gained about 45 lbs and was horribly out-of-shape. Well, that's not entirely true. A lot of us fat people joke that round is a shape. Let me use the word condition. I was horribly far from anything resembling good physical condition. After dropping about 25 of those 40 lbs., and had about a year's worth of running under my belt, my worst fears were realized, my heart was acting up again. One of the two remaining arteries that had not been grafted, had a blockage. Fortunately, a fairly non-invasive stent solved the problem. No rending of my rib cage, extraction of my heart, or collapsing of my lungs was necessary. At least not this time. But the mystery of why my heart keeps trying to kill me is still at large. One of the cardiologists at the VA suggested I go full vegan.  Another one suggested that I only eat fish and veggies. Woo Hoo, I get to stop eating anything that resembles fun and is tasty.  The alternative option is dying. For those of you who are vegan or vegetarian and are now angry and screaming at the computer screen that eating plants can be tasty, please just stop.  Vegan cheese is an abomination.  Vegan meat, is an oxy-moron and is stupid.  Although, I have to admit, that Field Roast brand sausages are pretty decent. I discovered those through Purple Carrot. I will do a review of Purple Carrot another day. But I digress... badly...moving on.... 

So, 5 and a half years later I am sitting at 210 lbs (still about 30 over what I was when I left the Army but about 15 down from my highest weight ever). And I haven't run or worked out in about 2 months.  I have some great excuses though! I have a wicked case of tendonitis in my right arm from lifting. While that justifies my absence at the gym and avoidance of free weights and machines, its no excuse for not running. I do have back problems and knee issues from 12 years as a paratrooper. But again, more excuses, as I'm fine more often than not. So why don't I run? I just got lost in my own dense forest of excuses and laziness. That's the real issue. No freaking personal discipline. I got lost in the woods. I couldn't see the forest through the trees. It's a jungle out there my friends.   

I need exercise. I am a nicer person when I do it. It's my moving meditation. It relieves stress, of which I have plenty. I have a corporate job like many of you. I have a large family that is constantly moving in a million directions. I have a lot of self-inflicted issues that I'm dealing with like many of you. I have a lot of family issues that I am dealing with like many of you. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety and PTSD. However, these are all excuses to not do what I know I need to be doing. This paragraph is supposed to be about why I should be working out and eating well. But that is what we do so often isn't it? We get side tracked and miss the entire point. The glass is half-empty and these are all the reasons I can't fill it. I run because it clears my mind. I run because it makes me a happier, nicer person. I run because it's good for my body. I run because it helps me focus. I run because it helps me solve problems and have brilliant thoughts. I run because it once saved my life. No, it saved my life twice. Literally. Running made me feel invincible once. I put one foot in front of the other no matter the obstacles. I started and I refused to quit until I reached my goal. I found a way. That is what running teaches you. That you can go anywhere and do anything if you just put one foot in front of the other and refuse to quit.  

That's what this here blog post is about. It's not about sharing anything with anyone in particular. It's not about inspiring the hundreds or the thousands. It's about me chastising myself for being lazy. Hoping that I will take some personal accountability and get out there and start taking care of myself. Sleep right. Eat right. Exercise. I'm writing myself to remind myself why it is so important that I get back on track. I'm trying to convince myself to start. To get up early one morning, no matter how tired I feel, and simply put one foot in front of the other. Forget the temperature. Forget the time it takes to do it.  Forget how awesome I USED to be. Forget everything and every excuse. Just start. Then refuse to quit.